How to let go — musings from a recovering bag lady
Bag Lady by Erykah Badu is one of my favorite songs; the soundtrack to my life thus far if you will. I am a recovering Bag Lady. Letting…
Bag Lady by Erykah Badu is one of my favorite songs; the soundtrack to my life thus far if you will. I am a recovering Bag Lady. Letting things go is extremely hard for me! This is evident in my living space — I hold onto things I don’t necessarily use but might need some day (I’m working on it). It’s even more apparent in my relationships — I struggle with unforgiveness and resentment. This has been a difficult realization to come to. Being an Enneagram Type 1 (Principled Reformer) whose conscience is pretty loud, harboring unforgiveness doesn’t sit right with me.
Over the years my ego has come up with the sneakiest way of “letting things go” and soothing my conscience, without truly, genuinely forgiving. When someone/something hurts me, I take the blame. I look at the situation and take note of things I could have done to avoid it; mistakes I may have made, poor judgement on my part, et cetera. I take note of my problematic behavior, and resolve to adjust — know better, do better. Seems insightful and mature, right? It is, to some extent. And it does work; I do eventually let go. But it takes forever, hence the “bag-ladyness”.
This approach is extremely long-winded, because it is false. It is not a true account of what happened, making it much harder to let go (and heal). I don’t address the fact that someone did something that hurt me. I don’t address that I was vulnerable. I avoid that bit by lying to myself that I am the “bigger person”. I soothe my bruised ego with this false sense of “nobility” and “turning the other cheek”. I shoulder full responsibility, because I can’t stand the idea of not being in control of the narrative. Don’t get me wrong; accountability is definitely a crucial part of letting go, forgiveness and growth. BUT, balance is important.
I am learning that taking full responsibility for every single thing in life really affects self-esteem. Picking at and analyzing your behavior and flaws incessantly is not healthy. This is not to discount the fact that we all have flaws. People make poor decisions ; and sometimes these decisions result in someone getting hurt. This is life. It is important to acknowledge this; not in an obsessive way such that it turns into vengeance — but with awareness that you are not above being hurt by others. Acknowledgement allows feelings to surface — sadness, lament, incandescent rage. It stops these feelings from simmering.
How to Let Go
GOD first — pray for a tender heart; be kind to yourself as you navigate your baggage
Be honest with yourself about what happened
Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Emotions are neutral; there is no such thing as a “bad” emotion, they just are. It’s all transient anyway
Acknowledge the role you played in the narrative and learn from it
Acknowledge that other people are involved in the narrative, and in doing this, remember that:
People need to be them to themselves first before they can be anything to you
You cannot control other people’s behavior
People’s behaviour in no way defines/affects your worth
People are bound to make mistakes
It is possible to let go of the offence without re-establishing a relationship/connection