How to stay open to love — musings from a hopeful romantic
I recently had some childhood friends over for a sleepover, and we stayed up late into the night talking about anything and everything. As…
I recently had some childhood friends over for a sleepover, and we stayed up late into the night talking about anything and everything. As is the case with most sleepovers, love and partnership came up. One of my friends mentioned how much my face brightens up when I talk about love. I truly am in love with love, and I feel my best when I am expressing it.
I’m grateful to have experienced love. I am loved well by my family and friends; I feel seen, cared for, regarded, nurtured and free to express myself. Romantic love has been a little bit more elusive; my love life has been inundated with infatuation, desire and unrequited love. These experiences, coupled with the pervasive lovelessness evident in today’s society have introduced cynicism as a potent threat to my tender heart. In response to this, I have become even more committed to being loving and experiencing love. These are some practices that I have picked up in my quest to stay open to love and all that it has to offer.
Practice gratitude for the little things. The unexpected gift. The “I’m thinking of you” text. Or the “hey I saw this post, let’s laugh/cry/say awww together” DM. I’ve started regarding every thoughtful act, no matter how tiny it is, as an expression of love. I am grateful, and remain expectant for more.
Lean into platonic relationships. Platonic love and romantic love aren’t as disparate as we’ve been socialized to believe. I am working on removing romantic love from its pedestal in my life. This is not to dismiss its value, but rather to acknowledge that there are other paths that are enriching and fulfilling in their own way. For instance, the concept of platonic life partnership is increasingly being adopted. While my desire for and call to a romantic life partnership persists, I am leaning into my platonic relationships much more. I am more vulnerable and explicit about my needs. I ask for help and let people show up for me. I vocalize when my feelings are hurt, or when I’m angry. I am also much sillier and goofier — sharing random, weird and embarrassing things that I typically wouldn’t. I have some pretty amazing humans in my life, and I’m extremely thankful for how receptive they’ve been to these shifts.
Acknowledge the systemic issues at play in the romantic world. Race, skin tone, class, gender, hair, body size and shape all play a role in relational dynamics. I would be remiss if I disregarded the way I’m perceived and received by men as a fat, curvy, educated black woman. Recognizing and grappling with these issues is helping me step away from personalizing. I am reminded there are things that are above me. I do what I can to curate safe spaces for myself, and I remain hopeful for a love that is cognizant of but not limited by these systemic issues.
Be mindful with how you speak about yourself. I have a sticky note on my desk that reads “I will stop telling myself stories about my past, my challenges and my trauma that no longer serve me”. For instance, instead of saying “I’m constantly desired but also objectified and never chosen”; I now say “that situation made me feel desired, but also objectified, and not chosen”. I remove the “I am” and stop taking on how situations have played out as my identity. The only identity I’m concerned with taking on is what God says about me and what God has done for me. “I’m already loved, I’m already chosen, I know who I am, I know what You’ve spoken.” Believing this keeps me open to the expressions of love that I am yet to experience.
Have clear boundaries. Staying open to love, being tender and soft requires boundaries. The more open I’ve become, the more explicit I’ve had to be with my boundaries. This is because being open to love also means being open to hurt. One little boundary-setting tip I have learned is that it is ok to explain yourself. A clear boundary is a kind boundary. It’s ok to give people the benefit of the doubt and clarify your boundaries. Just do so judiciously and with discernment — because for some people “No” really should be the end of the conversation.
One last thing about love; there is no universally agreed upon definition. These three currently resonate with me:
The definition that bell hooks shares in the first chapter of her book All About Love— as defined by psychiatrist M. Scott Peck:
“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” hooks goes on to clarify Peck’s use of the term ‘spiritual’ to mean “that dimension of our core reality, where mind, body and spirit are one.” In addition, she asserts that “An individual does not need to be a believer in a religion to embrace the idea that that there is an animating principle in the self — a life force (some of us call it soul) that when nurtured enhances our capacity to be more fully self-actualized and able to engage in communion with the world around us.”
2. The definition that emerged from Brené Brown’s research for her book Atlas of the Heart:
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists within each one of them — we can love others only as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they’re acknowledged, healed and rare.”
3. The biblical definition, commonly recited at weddings:
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 ESV
References
Brown, B (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. New York: Random House.
hooks, b. (2000). All about love: New visions. New York: William Morrow and Company Inc.
I love this. ❤️