How to thrive in your lane — musings from a perpetual student
I recently turned 30 years old, and celebrated in the best possible ways with family and friends. My 20s were quite difficult…
I recently turned 30 years old, and celebrated in the best possible ways with family and friends. My 20s were quite difficult; characterized by multiple moves, internships, professional licensing exams, graduate school, and a generous sprinkle of traumatic events including but not limited to a global pandemic. I was not sure I would make it to 30 and I am extremely grateful to be here. Now that I have the wherewithal to engage with society in more meaningful and healthy ways, I cannot help but notice how different my life looks from my peers.
I recognize how slippery the slope of comparison can be, so I will lead with the disclaimer that I enjoy who I am and what I do. Gratitude is the resounding emotion that comes to surface when I think about my life today. Perhaps it is this gratitude that has allowed me to critically consider the opportunity cost of my chosen path thus far: weddings, funerals, birthday celebrations of loved ones; putting down roots; starting a family; establishing a career in a familiar geographical context and field; financial growth — to name a few. For more context, I am a Kenyan-raised, UK-trained pharmacist, working as a researcher in the access to medicines space full-time, pursuing a doctorate part-time, living in one of the most expensive cities in the US. As I grapple with the conflicting emotions of gratitude and grief that come with growing older, I am holding onto these nuggets to keep me grounded and encouraged in my lane.
Follow your GPS. “Everyone has their own GPS” is one of my mother’s favorite sayings. As someone who believes in purpose, calling and assignment — this statement really resonates with me. I am created with gifts, skills and a specific mandate for my life, that is, I have my own unique GPS. The destination is pre-set by God; and the next step makes itself known to me as I progress on the path. Nonetheless, because of free will, I am a co-creator in getting to the destination. I get to choose if I will take the proposed path, or follow another path, and the GPS adjusts accordingly. It is not reasonable to expect my GPS to be exactly like somebody else’s — because I do not know how or why theirs was pre-set as such. All I can do is pay attention to my GPS, and sustain alignment with the One who pre-set it. This makes it easier to trust the path, or petition for a reset in GPS programming when I feel lost. Staying aligned for me looks like meditating, praying, enjoying the creative expressions of others (music, films, shows, art), serving others, moving my body in ways that feel good, resting, coloring and spending quality time with loved ones. (Note: I am not a GPS expert. At the surface level, this analogy works. If it is grossly inaccurate, please educate us in the comments.)
Grieve, move and be patient. Grieve the things that did not work out as you wish they did, and be intentional about steadily moving towards what you are hoping for. For instance, I have spent most of my adult life pursuing higher education across three countries, and healing from various traumatic events. Inadvertently, I did not prioritize romantic connections. I grieve the fun and intimacy that I did not experience. At the same time, I accept that I did the best I could for myself at the time; I am thankful that I am now able to make room for such connections, and I constantly remind myself that good things take time. As Yrsa Daley-Ward wrote- “What is now will soon be past. Just because you do it doesn’t mean you always will. Whether you’re dancing dust or breathing light you’re never exactly the same, twice” — bone
Identify what you have going for yourself and practice gratitude for it. I did a little exercise this week — courtesy of my current devotional — where I wrote down all the things I already have that I am grateful for. It was an extremely heart-warming practice. One of the things I am thankful for is the room being a student has given me to mess up. My posture as I approach tasks is that of curiosity and learning. I am more gracious with myself because one of my titles — student — explicitly reminds me that I am here to learn. I have always been quite hard on myself, so I am thankful for this shift in disposition. One gratitude tip I learned for the particularly dreary seasons with no apparent silver linings: ask people that know you what they value about you and what your strengths as they perceive them are. Write these things down as a reminder of the things that people appreciate you for; as a first step to appreciating yourself. One affirmation-giving tip I learned if you are loving someone through a dreary season: try and share things about the person that speak to their essence, not only what they do for you. An important part of affirming someone is letting them know their value beyond what you accrue from the relationship. “You are supportive, reliable and give me good advice” is great feedback which focuses on who they are in the relational dynamic. “I admire the way you speak/write, you have a way with words; I love the way you take care of yourself when you have a bad day, it reminds me to be gentle with myself” — speak to who they are to themselves.
Talk about it — everybody is struggling with something and hoping for something. Building community with people in similar circumstances has helped keep me accountable, strategic and sane in my lane. Sharing with those in vastly different lanes has also been very helpful. More often than not my openness in such spaces has been met with kindness and insight I may never have gleaned from the surface. From folks who are married with kids, I learn about the intricacies of being a committed life partner/parent. From folks in a higher tax bracket I learn about how they manage their money. From folks living/working in a different space (geographical or technical) I learn more about the realities of occupying that context on a daily basis. The different perspectives have helped reinforce certain practices I built in my lane. They have also given me the guidance and motivation I needed to change some of my practices with a view to prepare for the lanes I am hoping to join some day. One last thing about sharing — it is important to exercise discernment. “It also takes discipline and self-awareness to understand what to share and with whom. Vulnerability is not oversharing, it’s sharing with people who have earned the right to hear our stories and our experiences.” Brené Brown